I Didn’t Love My Husband

Our 1st three years of marriage were rough.  (Picture steel wool meets brillo pad rough.)  Kevin was married to softball, buddies and the bar.  I had my dog.  (Oh, and MY friends too).

Then we moved away.  A year later we started going to church and one night, we both gave our lives to Christ.  Our marriage was perfect from that point on.  Happily. Ever. After.

Um…. NO.

I thought having Jesus in our lives would make us have a happy marriage, two point five kids, a dog and a house… The Christian American dream.  Hee HAW!

Now, I don’t discount the fact that if we didn’t have Jesus in our lives, we probably almost definitely wouldn’t be together today.  However, we had Jesus. I would even dare to say we were both even growing spiritually as individuals, but not as a couple.

I found myself at a point that I said to myself, “I don’t love my husband.”  It caught me so off guard.  There was no one else, but we simply had just grown apart.  I started to imagine life without him and it really didn’t seem so bad.  I was pretty independent and he wasn’t fulfilling me, and I entertained thoughts of moving on.  What was the point?  Live together but live two separate lives?  That is NOT what I signed up for on May 21, 1994.

Then, I heard someone say something along the lines of, “When you pray God’s will (according to the WORD), He will answer and move in that.  For example, if you don’t feel like you love your husband, pray for GOD to give you a love for him, and He will, because that’s according to His will.  It is His will for marriages to stay together…”

I don’t love him.  Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippo.  But, will I pray for God to give me the ability to love him?  Will I pray for God to help me love him?  Okay. It’s worth a try.

So I did.  I prayed, “God I know this seems like a silly request, but I don’t love my husband and I’m thinking I probably should.  I don’t even feel like wanting to love him.  Can You help me with that?   Can You help me love Him?”

When He came down from the mountain, large crowds followed Him. Right away a man with a serious skin disease came up and knelt before Him, saying, “Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean.”  Reaching out His hand He touched him, saying, “I am willing; be made clean.” Immediately his disease was healed. Matt. 8:1-3

It wasn’t immediate, but He was willing.  God created a love in my heart for my husband that turned my world upside-down.  I really didn’t think He could do it.  I really didn’t think it was possible.  But He did.

That time in my life 12-13 years ago wasn’t the only time I’ve felt that way.  But every time I’ve called out to God since then, He has been faithful and has done a work in me that could only be HIM.

Marriages are crashing and burning all around us, within the church and outside of the church.   Maybe you feel like you don’t love or can’t love your spouse.  Would you be willing to ask God to help you or create in you a love for your spouse?

It’s worth a try.  And He is willing.

Isaiah 43:19
Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.


7 thoughts on “I Didn’t Love My Husband

  1. So thankful that God is always faithful to answer our hearts prayer when it is according to His word. Marriage is just about the toughest part of being human!! (parenting a close second) I pray that people will read this who are in the middle of that struggle.


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