Just Me

The kiddos and I are home – Operation Check Out = Mission Accomplished.It was a fabulous time with one agenda – having FUN! Let me tell ya’ the FUN-OMETER gets FIVE STARS.

FUN-OMETER = *****

That was so important to me, because like many moms, STUFF, ends up coming before PLAYing with the kiddos…  So playing was a major priority – even after countless trips up never-ending staircases (to get to the slides, thank You Jesus that I have been doing that stair thing in the corner of the gym to prepare for those trips!!) – one more swim in the wave pool – floating with my girlies down the toilet bowl slide… we were the turds – (hmmm, turd is not a word… too bad, I’m leaving it :-)) – floating in the lazy river as Joey searched for gems (his bouncy balls) and numerous pit stops in the HOT TUBS! It was a quick and clear reminder as I delighted in my children, how much Our Father delights in us.God, I pray I bring You delight! Also, can’t help but point out another interaction I observed. While playing in the kiddy area with Joey, I watched a Daddy and his one-ish year old baby girl. He was helping her down the really little slides, plopping her in the water. She was loving it – giggling – squealing with delight… as long as Daddy was near. She would come down the slide and Daddy would swoop her up and hold her close to his chest – she had fun, and now she was safe and secure. It was such a picture of how whatever it is we’re doing – to take those times and let our Daddy (Abba) swoop us up and hold us near. How I need His loving and secure arms around me!

REST-OMETER = ****

The REST-OMETER only gets four stars, but let’s praise the Lord for four, amen? 24 hours at a water park is exhausting, I ain’t gonna lie.But, it is fun-exhaustion… so yea God!Also, Julia has a horrible cough (going to Dr. today) and she coughed herself to sleep… about 2:00 am.

RESTOR-OMETER = ******

On a five-point scale… it’s gonna get a SIX! Hip! Hip! Hooray! Now, I gotta tell ya’, the RESTOR-OMETER was at about a 2.5 when we left the water park. Yes, I got to spend some time with the Lord this morning, and yes, I had a little time to read a book I brought and yes, the fun and rest play a part in the RESTOR-OMETER… but honestly, I began to accept the realization that the rest of the restoring was going to have to come once we got home and I put the kiddos to bed, and in the morning during my regular ‘quiet time’. However, I was WRONG! After we left the water park, we got a little something to eat and then went to see Hannah Montana. The girls had already seen it, but we decided to see it anyways (at $2 a pop, why not?!?) Who’da thunk that God could speak to me during a movie about Hannah Montana?? Well, He is God – and He can use whatever medium to communicate whatever it is He wants to. So, not to be a spoiler… but the Hannah Montana movie is about how Miley is struggling with “The Best of Both Worlds”. The exciting superstar life of a rock star and the raw ordinariness of being ‘just Miley.’ A light bulb went off in my little brain-i-o… that I am Miley. For the past few weeks, I’ve had this sense, this burden, this weight of who I should be and what I should be doing as ‘the Pastor’s wife’. Never before have I ever cared one iota about that – in fact, I’m generally so oblivious to the fact that I’m ‘the Pastor’s wife’ because I am a) so ordinary b) so desperate for Jesus – so needy – so aware of my nothingness without Him and c) never really consumed with worry about what people thought of me (well, of course that does come up every once and a while and bite me in the bum, but generally speaking, not on the top 10 of Kendra’s worries). Now, this weight, this burden isn’t coming from any one person or group of people (that I know of), in fact – it could be just a figment of my imagination, but I felt it nonetheless. People’s expectations. People’s assumptions.Who you might think I am, because my husband and I serve in ministry. Who I should be as a ‘leader in ministry’ (1 Cor. 11:1). I’m sorry to break any illusions of some super-spiritual – all-surrendered super-wife/mom woman of God… nope. I’m just me. Just Kendra. I’ve never been good at being something I’m not, and I don’t do fake… so let me tell ya’ a little bit about what ‘Just Kendra’ looks like:

*I am nothing, NOTHING, without my Jesus. No, this isn’t ‘false-humility’ – uh-huh. I need my time with Jesus, and I need a lot of it! I guess that goes with that whole ‘quality-time love language’ thang. I can’t just have a chocolate-chip cookie devotion in the morning and call it a day, nope – I need the 6 oz. Outback Special (cooked medium) with a Blue Cheese Chopped Salad and several large clusters of broccoli. Mmmmmm, my mouth is watering – for My Jesus! When that doesn’t happen, I get a rumbly in my spiritual tumbly and left unfed – I’m a mess before you can say ‘Winnie The Pooh!” “In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus.”

*As much as I LOVE being with people, (and I LOVE being with people, I love hangin’ with the ladies, I love hosting at my house, I love playing games, I love worshipping with a LOT of people… I love meeting someone for coffee…) I also LOVE being alone. I enjoy being alone. I enjoy reading. I enjoy doing nothing. I like not having to say a word. Sometimes I want to be alone. My life is kind of an oxymoron, because I thrive in both settings – social and alone times – and I need both.

*I have a LONG way to go in being a “capable wife” (Prov. 31) and a stellar Mama. I desire to please the Lord in these two areas, being a helpmate to my husband and training the kiddos “in the way they should go,” but I often find my own selfishness and distractions become roadblocks and/or detours in these areas. Then, we’ll even have a moment when the roles are reversed and a kiddo of mine rebukes me in the Lord – Ouch! I find comfort in the fact that He will be faithful to complete the work He has started in me!

*I want to do everything, and I stink at setting boundaries. If you need me, I want to be there for you… then I’ll overextend myself and I’ll crowd out that time with Jesus and my priorities of my hubby and kiddos. And, even if whoever needs something is not pressuring me to do whatever needs to be done, I put that pressure on myself. I will give all I’ve got – but God has given me a priority list (Him, Hubby, Kiddos) and that’s what I have to follow.Like I said… “work in progress.”

*I’ve really wasted a lot of time and energy beating myself up for a relationship failure in my life – and the devil stirs up seeds of insecurity and works real hard at bringing it to mind whenever he can. Something I should totally be ‘over’ still makes me sad, irritated and anxious at times. It’s a thorn I’ve not yet shaken – I am broken.

So, there you have it – a snip-it of Just Kendra. Nothing glamorous, in fact, cut to the core, it’s a little frightening. I’m just working this thing called life out like the rest of ya’ll. Like I said before, I don’t know if anyone really had other expectations of what me being me really looks like, but whatever this funk was, it was an eye opener to keep my eyes on Jesus, worry about only what He thinks, strive to be an imitator of Him – and continue to be ‘just me’ and He’ll take care of the rest…

Finally, at this point of the movie when Hannah reveals that she is ‘just Miley’ she sings this song – which is where the tears started rollin’. I know, touched to the point of crying at the Hannah Montana movie…seriously, Kendra. (Oh yea, * I don’t cry much – there’s another thing, I’m typically not too sensitive… sometimes to a fault.) Anyways, check out this Miley Cyrus song – “It’s a Climb.”

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming

But there’s a voice inside my head saying

“You’ll never reach it”

Every step I’m taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing

The chances I’m taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But no, I’m not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I’m gonna remember most, yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on

Keep on moving, keep climbing

Keep the faith, baby

It’s all about, it’s all about the climb

Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

PS: I can’t believe I put a Miley Cyrus song on my blog…. LMBO!

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One thought on “Just Me

  1. Pingback: Redefined | The Grub Hub

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